Working With, Rather Than Against, Your Mind

I am about to turn 40 and my whole world just shifted into focus. I am a devoted friend, daughter, sister, wife, mother and zookeeper and I was giving 150% to everyone all the time until I crashed hard last year. Let me back up a few more years though. About four years ago, my son was diagnosed with ADHD and he and I began to learn what that meant. The more I learned about my son's unique brain, the more I started to recognize that he most likely inherited this special brain from me. We celebrated having unique brains and worked hard to create systems that would help us succeed in a world that isn't made for us. We have visual lists, we practice habit stacking so we remember to take our meds AND brush our teeth, we lean on each other when we get anxious and we communicate that we are overstimulated as soon as we recognize it so the other person can give us space. We are doing our best in this world and I am really proud of the work we have done to get here.

Then last year, I couldn't take it anymore. All of the sudden, I was furious for no reason, hypersensitive, crying A LOT and oh so anxious. Oh hello perimenopause! I went to the psychiatrist for the first time in 13 years because my anxiety meds were not working anymore. After explaining all of my overwhelm and confusion, my doctor looked at me and said, "Yes. I understand. The world is a hard place to live when the systems put in place work with your brain, but for those of us with autism and ADHD, the world can become overwhelming really quickly. Our brains are so much more aware of everything going on around us than other brains which can be distracting and overwhelming." I was floored.

I have autism too? My mother is a Moderate to Severe Special Needs Elementary Teacher; surely she would have seen it. My sister is a Board Certified Behavioral Analyst (BCBA); surely she would have seen it. My brother has had an autism diagnosis for 30+ years! I grew up protecting him, advocating for him, understanding him and I never saw that I had the same type of brain?!? Most of my friends fought with their siblings, but my brother was my best friend growing up. We did everything together and I just assumed it was because he was amenable to what I wanted to do, but was it actually because we both have ASD?!? I had a LOT of learning to do and like anyone with AuDHD, I got down to business learning about all the special parts of my personality that weren't unique quirks, but things I shared with an entire community of individuals! I read everything I could get my hands on and joined every support group I could find. I was so relieved to know that there was nothing wrong with me. I am not broken. I am just different. Life feels harder because it IS harder. The world isn't created for humans with a brain like mine and I have been masking without knowing it for nearly 40 years. No wonder I am overwhelmed!

Well friends, then came the post-diagnosis regression. I was incapable of masking for something like six weeks. It felt like I was relearning who I was every day. I realized that I have significant proprioception issues. I learned that most of my anxiety was directly related to my inability to key into what my body needed from me until it was severe. I started moving more intentionally and started taking breaks even if it meant leaving a task undone. I took a hard look at my commitments and reduced my 15+ passion filled commitments down to my favorite four. I started being more intentional about how I spent my time. I was learning to tell the difference between what I think I should do and what I need to do. My anxiety suddenly was much more manageable, I was giving myself more grace and I was actually enjoying a home life after a full day at work.

What a difference it makes to know how your mind works and be able to work with it instead of trying to work against it. I am working on holding myself to a whole new set of standards based on MY abilities. My AuDHD is my superpower. It makes me an incredibly good friend, partner, mother and zookeeper. I am highly empathetic and sensitive to injustice. I see the whole picture instead of little pieces at a time. I am able to make quick and sound decisions because of my predominantly black and white thinking. It is also exhausting. It makes me feel less than. It makes me feel like I cannot keep up and I feel easily overwhelmed. If I am not careful, my black and white thinking leads to close-mindedness. I am learning that both things can be true. My brain can be amazing and challenging. I am learning what self-care looks like for me and I am so glad I do not have to be on this journey alone because I am not the only person who has an amazing brain like mine! No one's journey is easy, but I hope my journey makes someone else's journey a little easier. What an amazing way I get to view the world!